dear miss manners

o i was just visiting the forum at adultswim.com and i found this lil' thread entitled "miss manners". it was obviously a ploy for the poster to get his message on tv, but i decided to put in my two cents:

Dear Miss Manners,

There is this late night cartoon show called Adult Swim. I am of the opinion that the people who run this show have absolutely no manners whatsoever. What do you have to say about that, Adult Swim? That'll fix your little red wagon!

dear doctordrown,

isn't it a little hypocritical of you to say something like "what do you have to say about that, adult swim? that'll fix your little red wagon!" at the end of a letter accusing the said people of not having manners? looks to me like you need some manners yourself, or else i really don't see how you have any right to file a complaint about adult swim's manners or lack thereof. besides, i think the folks at adult swim are allergic to manners and proud of it.

signed-

miss manner's substitute

then i just got to thinkin'. wouldn't it be fun to answer letters like that?! so if anybody has any problem or whatnot that you want me to make fun of and possibly offer advice about, post it in a comment and i'll answer. i dunno what it should be called, so come up with some witty entertaining greeting to address me with or something.

when i was at work yesterday, a thought occured to me. everybody knows the stupid lil' saying that everyone used all too often to insult one another in third grade: "girls go to college to get more knoweldge, boys go to jupiter to get more stupider" and vice versa. well, i thought, those girls really do need to gain some knowledge, but i'd say going back to second grade would be more appropriate. not only is "more [word]-er" incorrect english, but "stupider" isn't even a word to begin with. and those brats think they're so smart.

ok, so i was rummaging around in my 10th grade schoolwork folder back on the old imac last night and i found something highly amusing:

Human Sacrifice - What’s the Point?

The Aztec people know that many cultures (the Spanish in particular) don’t exactly see eye to eye with them on the subject of human sacrifice. To say the least, most peoples find it repulsing. They have their reasons, though, being a civilized culture and such.
The first reason is religion. We all have gods, don’t we? The Romans at least should understand, with their tremendous worship of Mars, their war god. According to Aztec religion, the war god Huitzilopochtli is one of the main gods who keeps the universe spinning, and in order to do so, he needs a kind of energy called tonalli. Tonalli is found in every living thing, in humans specifically, their blood stream. So basically, all of you skeptic cultures should be thanking us for keeping the universe working with our own flesh and blood.
Another liable reason for sacrifice is nutrition. For those of you haven’t taken a look at a map of the far west, the Aztecs territory happens to reside smack dab in the middle of a desert. So, needless to say, we don’t have all that much game and next to no domesticated animals. Would you like the people responsible for keeping the world on track to die of famine? Didn’t think so. Our nobles, warriors, and high priests happen to be honored to be allowed to eat from Huitzilopochtli’s doggie bag. Thus solving the whole “eat to stay alive” problem.
The third reason featured in today’s in-depth look at our very own indigenous Aztec Culture is none other than our remarkably successful economy. Just to let the ‘lesser’ cultures know, economics is basically our warriors going on campaigns to take goods from your villages, and bring them back to give to our people. Human sacrifice is our own economy with our gods. We give them human hearts, they don’t kill us. Nice deal, huh? Not only that, but with Human Sacrifice, comes more of the gods’ leftovers to feed our warriors. Who, we then in turn, send out to neighboring villages to bring more foods and sacrifices in tribute to the Aztecs as a people, allowing us all to prosper. (The Aztecs that is)
This article was written for the sole purpose of giving anti-human sacrafice-ists an inside look on all the good things human sacrifice does for our culture. Hopefully, it has served its purpose, and there will be no more nasty Tenochtitlan protests. The penalty is, after all, sacrifice.

*laughs hysterically* yea, i wrote that two years ago for this group project we did after reading julius caesar in english class. we were s'posed to make a newspaper about one of the civilizations in existance during the time of caesar's reign and, obviously, my group got the aztecs. oh man, you shoulda seen the look on mrs. jb's face when i was reading it during our presentation. it was priceless. i am, after all, the first person to have ever written a depressing gerand story. *laughs manically*